Look Ma I am a Cartoon Character

When you become a parent you gain the ability to turn into a cartoon character. I should have remembered this change since I was less than an angle growing up. There was more than one occasion when steam came out of my Father’s ears and my Mothers head spun around with anger. It seems though we round file these memories as we grow older and only remember the times when you had to take a spoon full of Cod Liver Oil each morning.
Our baby monitor came with a sensor pad to alert parents when the baby is not moving, in not moving I mean not breathing, if no movement is sensed for fifteen seconds an alarm sounds on both the monitor and crib side unit. Noah enjoys doing the back stroke while he sleeps, it is not uncommon to find him facing ninety degrees from the position we laid him down in.
Erin worked the night shift the other night so I was on my own. I am happy to report that it went much better than the first night. The night itself was fairly uneventful; crying, dirty diapers, warming bottles, feeding and rocking. Around 5AM Noah’s coos came through the monitor, I prayed he would go back to sleep for just a bit longer and I rolled over. Fifteen minutes later the non-movement alarm sounded. I shot straight out of bed, about four feet in the air, managed to get myself vertical by the time my feet hit the ground , my legs like many cartoon characters spun madly for a moment before I took off out of the bed room. I screeched around the corner on one foot ran straight through Noah’s door, leaving a hole the shape of my body, and reached the crib with a thud and the rug bunched up to my knees. There Noah was laying the width of the crib directly under the monitor screaming to the rhythm of the alarm.

Fishnets For Christmas Trees

This past week my wife and I have been preparing for the family to arrive, both sides, from all over the world.   It started by going to the local Home Depot to pick out a tree. Home Depot we discovered three years ago has really good trees at a decent price.  Once we have found a tree it is my job to take it off those foolish spikes they use to stand them up.   Grunting and heaving I wrestle the tree to as open an area as possible and shake it vigorously, then stand as still and as straight as possible while Erin looks it over. 
 I like to think I know what I am doing when it comes to picking out a tree because I worked for a Christmas tree shop for a short time in high school.  I did such things as organize wreaths, paint pine cones and sell trees. That however is a story for another time.   Not satisfied by the first tree Erin wonders off to check out other trees while I stand guard over the tree and Noah who is snoring loudly in his car seat.     Soon Erin finds the perfect tree which I wrestle off the spike and hand off to happiest employee in the world who then stuffs the tree through a contraption that puts a giant fish net stocking over it. Then he ties the tree to the roof of our car and we go merrily home, hoping all the while that the employee knew how to tie a good knot.

 I have to take a moment to say that this current experience of getting a tree is much easier than when I was a child. Back then Dad would load my brother and I into the giant brown station wagon before dawn and drive us deep into the woods of Vermont. We would then walk through snow up to my arm pits for miles until we found just the right tree. Before cutting it down we would pose for pictures looking tough with our bow saw and multi colored winter hats with giant pom poms on top.  After we had cut down the tree we would drag it the several miles back to the car and head for home.  Dad would then spend the next week trying to get the tree to stand straight in the tree stand that looked like a oil pan with fly buttresses welded inside.

 Putting on lights is also my job and a lot harder to do when you are holding a child.  First of all you have to make sure that you do not poke them in the face with a branch.  The other thing you do not want to do is wrap the lights around their leg or arm for this can cause the tree to spin and you never get anywhere.  Placing the child in the tree is also not wise for they get pine pitch all over them and you have to explain to your wife how an 8 week old got pine pitch in their ear.

The tree was not our only adventure this week we also ran errands for six hours and bought one other gift while standing next to each other.   We are still going to wrap some of the gifts and put them under the tree. I may even act surprised when I open it, but that will be because by next week I will have forgotten what I am getting. 
The likely hood of me putting something out before Christmas is slim so I will wish everyone and Happy Christmas or Chanukah or whatever you may celebrate. If you are enjoying the blog please tell others. If you have comments please feel free to post them.

Cheers!

Cruising

A few weeks ago Noah decided he would rather cry than sleep.  So I strapped him into his car seat, rolled down the windows and cranked the lullabies.  The boys were going cruising.

As I was making multiple right hand turns I began recall nights cruising as a youth. I grew up in Vermont, rural Vermont, more cows than people Vermont. A majority of the roads are dirt and most of our cruising was done on these roads.  We were a car full of mischievous youth driving around the countryside with the music blaring, the windows down and the heat on high, as it always seemed to be below freezing.  With no particular destination in mind and schemes that very well could have gotten us arrested we hurtled into the darkness wishing our 12AM curfews were later and hoping there were no cows in the road.

 I am brought back to my right turn monotony by a stop sign. It is 10PM, I am talking to myself and wishing I could just go home and climb into bed.   Noah has stopped screaming but that does not mean I can stop driving.  Tonight I am not creating mischievous plans; I am wondering how long it will take a concern citizen to call the police.  I keep checking my rearview mirror for flashing lights; a prolonged stop could be disastrous.  I decide that if I do see blue lights I will just keep driving.  A police chase with repeated right turns at a slow speed would be funny.  At least until they put down a spike strip. I determine that in the future it would be wise to carry a note that I could toss out the window.

Dear Sir or Madam Police officer,

I am not casing the area businesses for a robbery I am trying to get my son to sleep, kindly turn off your sirens.

I was never stopped by the police, but I did find myself sneaking into the house.  Not because I was trying not to wake my parents but because I was trying not to wake my son.  I found myself closing doors softly and tiptoeing trying to avoid the squeaky spots on the floor. Funny how life mirrors itself when you least expect it.